Birth mom update

Every day for the last month and a half I've begun my day by checking my email. I then check it at least 15 other times during the day hoping to see the letter from SWS about my birth mother search. Today I got that letter.

It wasn't what I was hoping for, but with how much time has passed, it's what I was expecting. I can only hope that when she receives the letter with more information about me she responds to it.

I realize how many different things are at play here. I understand that there is still a stigma against single mothers. That women who put a child up for adoption and still are in their child bearing years are less likely to respond to contact. I understand that her safety may be at risk and that's why she cannot respond. I also realize that perhaps she just doesn't want to hear from me for whatever reason she may have.

But it still hurts. The part of me that still is the small abandoned child wants to rear up and tell me that no one truly wants me. That I could disappear and no one would care. That if my own blood can't love me or want me, than why would anyone else? I still crave that connection that I never got.

I just want to know. I want to know what she looks like. I want to know what features we have in common. What interests we have in common. I want to know what mannerisms and habits we both have.

I'm trying not to let this result weigh down on me too much, but it's hard. Especially when I feel completely alone in this journey. I can only hope that with the extra information she realizes that it is me reaching out and that she reaches back out. Unfortunately, I'm running low on hope these days.

I recently started rewatching Once Upon A Time again, and the main character who was also given up said something that really hit home. Her birth mother explains that had she not given her up than Emma would have been cursed as well. To that Emma replies, "But we would have been together. Which curse is worse?" And it was like being stabbed in the gut. I relate to it on so many levels, I've thought about it so many times. I understand the stigma that would have been against me. I understand that financial issues came into play. But, would it have been worse than what I've gone through being adopted?

Would it be worse than the cruel children I grew up with that reminded me regularly that I was different? Would it be worse than being rejected multiple times by multiple family members? Would it be worse than having almost no relationship with any of my adoptive family? Would it be worse than the abuse I went through growing up? Would it all have been more tolerable if I had had her with me? Or would she have grown to resent me? Blame me for the stigma placed upon us? I think the hardest part of this is that I have so many questions that can never be answered. And so many others that may possibly never be answered if she decides to not reach back out to me.

For now, I return to the waiting game. Until next time.