I’m beginning to think that the entire four days of camp will be an emotional whirlwind for me. I spent the first part of today at a lecture and discussion about homecoming trips. It was geared towards the adoptive parents but someone suggested I take the morning for myself and go to it to see what I could learn.
While most of the information was geared towards how kids can react and how this specific organization runs their homecoming trips, I found quite a lot of useful information as well as some questions posed that I now have for myself. Along with the information about the logistics of the trip she brought up some quotes by Korean adoptees and I found myself relating to them all.
One of the quotes was, “I am neither fully American nor fully Korean, but a combination of both.” After speaking out last night about the identity crisis that so many adoptees go through I found it reaffirming to hear that come from someone else. No matter how much I wish I was I will never be fully Korean or American, and that’s something that as time goes on I am becoming more comfortable with.
The instructor also told a story of a girl around 10 years old who had went on one of the homecoming trips to South Korea. They were able to visit the hospital that she was born in and as the guide talked about the hospital the girl went from seat to seat. She appeared apathetic about everything that was going on and ignored her mom’s request to sit still. Her mom became frustrated with her daughter and later on she asked her why she behaved the way she did. Her daughter responded, “I wanted to sit in every chair because my birth mother sat in one of them.” My heart broke in empathy as I imagined myself in a similar situation.
I think that one of my favorite parts of the lecture was her discussion on different ways adoptees can cope with the trip. Among the ways she brought up were apathy, anger, hyperactivity, and disassociation. She made it very clear that it was completely normal for an adoptee to experience any or all of these emotions while on this journey.
While I won't really know how I'll react until I get there, I've said in the past that my method of choice is disassociation. It might not be the healthiest, but it's worked for me in the past and helped me to sort through things at a pace that I'm comfortable with. I've only brought it up a couple of times but one of the times I did my friend laughed it off and told me I couldn't deal with it that way. I didn't realize how invalidated or hurt I was by that until I was reaffirmed that disassociation is a perfectly understandable response to this journey. I think it is so important to understand what a huge journey this is and that every person will deal with it differently, and that's okay.
I also learned of a couple of agencies that could possibly assist me with staying longer in Korea and I can’t wait to get home and pursue those to see where it could lead. On top of that I was given the names of two photographers in South Korea that a woman here knows and am hoping that leads to a connection of some sort.
I spent the rest of the day entirely on the go. Moving from classroom to classroom filming and photographing the events of the day. I watched them learn k-pop dance moves, hangul, crafts, how to make food, drumming, history and culture, and about Korea today. I watched them forge and strengthen friendships. And through my lens it was as though I was experiencing it all alongside them.
The day ended up with a senior field trip to the baseball stadium for a game with the older campers and the SIWA students. Every time I see them I have a weird disconnect with myself. I can't help but wonder if I had never been adopted what would my life be like. Would I be like any of the girls I've met? Would I have been able to and interested in going on a trip like this? What in my life would be different and what would have stayed in the same?
I was chatting with the mom of a family I babysit for and they have a son who they adopted. She brought up how she'll see him do things that no one else in their family does, but his birth relatives do. It's so interesting how nature vs nurture works and it makes me wonder what I have in common with my birth family. What habits and mannerisms we share. What hobbies and interests we have. I hope that one day I'm able to figure that out.
Tomorrow includes a tour of an Asian market and a "Sunday fun day" at the local park. As always, thank you for following along on my journey.