When I was adopted there were two agencies involved, one on the American end and one on the Korean end. On the American side it was AIAA, Americans for International Aid and Adoption. I've spent years thinking about reaching out to them, asking them to help me with my search, but I waited too long. They made the decision not long ago to close down their agency. When I found out about it I felt like it was just another brick wall thrown up to block my search.
On the Korean side, it was SWS, Social Welfare Society. The other day I finally made the decision to reach out to them. I filled out their form to request more information about my birth family and let them know that I was interested in initiating the search. Within an hour I received an email back from them letting me know that I was connected to a social worker who would begin going through my case and searching for the location and status of my birth family.
I'm not expecting a response back anytime soon but every time I open my email I have a slight anxiety attack. I'm terrified of what's going to come back. Whether my birth parents are still alive or not. Whether my birth father even knows that I exist. Whether they're healthy, if they have new families, if they think about me or wonder about me at all.
Lately, I've been searching their names on social media, I have no idea what they look like but I scroll through the names and the faces. I look for people who look to be around my birth parents age and where they used to live. I try to see similarities in faces, in hobbies, in anything that might connect us. I look at their families and wonder if they could be related to me.
Since starting this search I feel like I have more questions now than ever before. I feel as though I am constantly distracted, as though half of my brain is only focused on the search and what could happen with it. I may not have realized it when 2019 began, but this year is going to be a year of answers. I'm determined to stick with this search as far as it will lead me this year. And, hopefully by the end of it, I have more answers than I do now.