26 years old. In 4 months and 1 day I will turn 26, the same age that my birth father, Ahn, Sang Sub, was when I was born. My birth mother, Moon, Hae Ran, was 19.
I was born in a clinic in Choonchun, South Korea on June 7th, 1993 and was named Ahn, Soo Bin. A name that was given to me by my birth mother and means 'Shining Pearl'. From what the paperwork says, I was taken into a foster home four days later on June 11th. I stayed in a foster home in Seoul for three months until I was adopted and came to live in New York. The information that was provided was minimalist at best, a few physical features and a couple personality traits. Information that could fit a stranger walking down the street next to me. But, the one part that always stood out, that always stuck with me, was that my birth mother wanted photos and updates of me if it was possible.
From a young age I was very interested in my adoption, I can remember spending hours pouring over my adoption papers, writing down every piece of information, and rereading it until I had it memorized. I have journals from the time that I was in elementary school with letters that I would write to my birth mother. They would contain everything from my favorite color to who I was crushing on, I would spill out things that I wouldn't tell anyone else and write out questions I wished I could ask her.
I would talk of the future, of my plans to find her. My hopes to return to South Korea and reunite with her and any of my other birth family. I would talk about the emptiness that I felt inside, that nothing could possibly fill. They weren't all happy, there was a lot of yelling, of wondering why she couldn't have tried. Why she had to give me up. And a lot of wondering if my life would have been better if she had.
The years passed and each year I would make a promise to myself and to her, as soon as I turned 18, I was going to find her. No matter what it took, no matter how much money I had to spend. I would contact the adoption agencies, I would hire a private investigator, I would go there and go from door to door until I found her if I had to. And then I turned 18.
Looking back I can blame not starting my search on many things, each year I would find another excuse not to do it. I would pull up the website, write the email, I would dial the number fifty times only to never press call. I would tell people that I was finally going to start the search and never follow through.
But as I grow older, so do my birth parents. This year my birth mother is 44 and my birth father is 51. I have a horrible habit of procrastinating and until now I never really took into consideration what could happen if I continue to procrastinate this particular piece of my life.
So I did what any millennial would do, and I turned to social media. I browed through groups on Facebook that targeted Korean adoptees and found an incredible one to join. Upon joining I learned that as a part of a project I would be able to receive a free DNA test kit through Family Tree DNA if I were to choose. For years I have been talking about buying 23andme or Ancestry, I have brought up the payment page more times than I can count, only to use the excuse that it was too expensive and close it back out. But when that test becomes free, that excuse is no longer valid. It took me a couple of weeks of going back and forth but I finally sent in the email to receive my free kit.
It arrived on January 29th, 2019. I carried the test with me for a week, everywhere I went. Which looking back, wasn't the smartest thing to do. I had it in my backpack and I would pull it out at random times and just stare at it. I would reread through the pamphlets and fiddle with the envelopes. The possibilities raced through my mind of what could come from this test. I've heard of people finding their aunts and uncles, first cousins, and even siblings because of it. But, I've also heard many who have said they've only found a fifth cousin as their closest link. It terrifies me to think what could come from this test, either way it turns out.
A week to the day of receiving the test I decided it was finally time to just bite the bullet and get it over with. So, on February 5th I dropped my envelope into the mailbox. The results can take up to a couple of months to come back and I'm not sure how long it will take me to be able to look at the results once they come back. The anticipation and anxiety I feel is something that few people I know can relate to. It's an emotion that can drag me to my lowest of lows and remind me of how alone I am in this.
But, one thing is for sure, I can't turn back now. As slow as the process may go, I will find out more about my birth family and I will do everything in my power to make my way back to South Korea. I will find my way back to my birth family. And hopefully, I will find a way to begin to fill this hole and to ease this weight that I have carried for almost 26 years.