I've never been particularly good at waiting, especially in certain situations. It's been about 8 weeks since I submitted my DNA test and I thought it was weird that I hadn't heard back from anyone yet about it. I searched through old emails and finally found the one from when I received the kit that had the password you used to log in. I went searching through my photos for the one I had taken of the test kit and somehow the photos have disappeared. I have issues with memory but I very vividly remember taking these photos and honestly have no idea what could have happened.
I spent most of last night panicking and not sleeping. I tried to read, tried to watch tv, but couldn't focus on one thing for very long. I had a couple of anxiety attacks and then when I finally did sleep, it was nightmares. I've started the process of messaging people and trying to find a way to retrieve my kit number, but I'm not sure how this is going to end. I've already bounced around through multiple people trying to get an answer, but have been unsuccessful so far.
It took a lot for me to even consider asking for the test and sending it in and now that this has happened, I'm feeling more discouraged than ever.
I've never been close with my family. My cousin is having a baby and the only reason I know is because of Facebook. I tried to get together with my cousin in another state while I was there and she was mostly unresponsive and said she forgot I was coming. My grandma ignores me when I try chatting with her about anything while we're together, just to name a few.
I'm not naïve. I know that family is rough, that no one's family is perfect. I know that there are people who have it so much worse than me. But with all of my experiences with my adoptive family and with the mishaps I've had in the DNA test search, I feel as though family is something I'm just not meant for. That for whatever reason I'm not meant to have a family that I am close with.
I'm not sure whether I'll be continuing my search, postponing it for another time, or if I'll even continue it at all. For now, I've tried to close myself off emotionally to the idea while pursuing whether I am able to retrieve my kit number or not. For now. I wait.